By MARTY LEVINE
Alicia Fairman knows what it’s like to feel the pressure of the holiday season coming on.
“It’s something you’ve probably already felt creep up on you,” she said, “recognizing that your stress starts to grow, your to-do list gets overwhelming. Decorating is already starting to stress me. I’ve already started to do it … but I am already behind. My entire Thanksgiving menu changed over the weekend.”
Fairman, senior program manager with UPMC’s LifeSolutions Employee Assistance Program, offered Help for the Holidays: Finding Balance and Meaning as a new class from the Faculty and Staff Development Program on Nov. 17.
“Do you feel like you’re trying to live up to the picture-perfect holiday you see on TV?” she asked participants. Does each social media post about holiday prep “hit a nerve?”
Instead, she said, let’s “talk about how you can decrease stress around (holidays) and find out how you can find a little more meaning around them for the holiday season.”
Her first strategy: “Relax your expectations.”
Look at your plans and “ask yourself: Is this realistic? Sometimes this vision you have in your mind,” after finances and schedules are considered, “is not going to work.”
“Let go of these unrealistic expectations,” Fairman suggested. Your table doesn’t need to look like a magazine spread. Nor does your house. “Try not to compare yourself to others … and take some time to figure out what is important to you and make a realistic plan.”
You may think, “I have to have everybody’s menu choices and traditions — what about your comfort and your good time?” she added.
No grand plans are needed, Fairman said. Maybe you’re caring for someone else right now. Maybe your finances are tighter. Your work schedule might be more hectic this year. “Letting go of the idea of perfect” lets you be more realistic. “Can you ask others to bring a favorite dish? Consider ordering from a local restaurant,” or even going out to eat this year.
“Can you ask someone else to do it? You don’t always have to be the host,” she pointed out.
As for decorations — particularly the Christmas variety — “if you can’t do that, inside and out, concentrate on one room.” She has recently simplified her own exterior display. “I’m not giving a whole day over to wrangling Christmas lights,” she said. “I am simplifying in a way that doesn’t sacrifice joy or doesn’t sacrifice meaning.”
During one recent late fall, when she had just moved into a new house and her family wanted to see the place during the holidays, her best friend “knew that I was asking for trouble” — especially with three children under two years old at home. Her friend took the kids for several hours while Fairman had that essential prep time to herself.
Another motto for a saner celebration: “Know and Respect Your Limits.” That means allowing yourself time to unplug: “Really allow some down time between activities. Take time to connect with friends.
“Don’t overcommit — physically, emotionally, or financially,” she warned. “Prioritize what’s meaningful. What can you change, delegate or eliminate? Turn tasks into fun activities. Allow space to enjoy the simple moments. Take time to decompress.”
Overall, Fairman said, keep some of your normal life amid all the holiday-time changes. That includes keeping up your previous stress-management strategies, your regular bed and meal times and exercise routines.
Being careful about what you eat, despite all the parties, “is not about weight management,” she said. “This is about the stuff you put in your body” that affects your sleep patterns and energy levels — especially massive amounts of sugar from holiday desserts.
Fairman also had recommendations for the two most common holiday concerns: spending gobs of cash and seeing loads of family.
A budget, of course, is in order to manage the expense of holiday time. Consider giving framed photos of an event you shared with the recipient, or a video of a previous family gathering. “Sometimes I share recipes as a gift,” she said.
Consider easy holiday events, such as free events right in your community, or staying home for friends or family game nights and holiday movie nights. “You still get to spend time with people you love and enjoy the holiday feelings,” she said.
Yet, Fairman added, “let’s admit it, spending time with family and friends can be stressful. It’s not the time to settle long-standing conflicts or to debate politics.” To fend off the latter, she suggested preparing “some appropriate responses in advance … that don’t increase tension and move along to something else” as a conversational topic. She herself, when the dreaded subject comes up, always tells her guests, “‘Remember, this is a political-free holiday.’ It’s become a phrase in my house around the holidays.”
And she reminded participants: “The holidays are not necessarily ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ for everybody. You may not feel as much up to celebrating.” While everybody else seems full of holiday cheer, excited about the gathering, “you may be feeling quite the opposite.” Perhaps you are dealing with loss at that moment “or other circumstances that make you feel it will be difficult to celebrate this year.”
If so, “give yourself permission to maybe not feel as merry as those around you,” she said. Look for a support group or “support buddy … a close friend you can text with throughout the day, sharing your feelings, not thinking that you have to repress them.
“It’s perfectly fine to make your plans tentative,” she explained. “You don’t know how you will be feeling that day. Don’t be afraid to let someone know what you need.”
Her organization, LifeSolutions, she reminded participants, “are here for you over the holidays ... if you want to talk to somebody, if you need a community resource. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support.”
Marty Levine is a staff writer for the University Times. Reach him at martyl@pitt.edu or 412-758-4859.
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